To All My Mommas That Don't Have Their Sh** Together - You Are Not Alone

Recently I celebrated my 6th wedding anniversary, after having celebrating another round of birthdays for each of my kids...June, July, August - full of reminders that yet another year has gone by. 

As I got into each celebration, I started thinking about how much my kids have grown. Naturally.  But this year, I also thought about how much I have changed, grown, altered my perception. 

I feel like so many of us stumble through the years of raising toddlers, it whizzing by, kind of losing ourselves because it goes by so fast to really think about what may be happening within you and outside of you. You are just trying to do you, but also trying to get little humans alive and happy, while doing your absolute best to not freak out or panic on all the things you are not getting done.

At least that is how I feel.

I feel like at some point, I did lose a bit of myself. Not in a negative way, but I just forgot to check in on how I was doing...what I needed. Truthfully, I just told myself I didn't have time and put "me" on the backburner because I was either too tired, or...well, yeah, I was just too tired.

As women, we often feel the need to either portray that we have all our shit together, and it can be difficult on us, unless we really talk about it.

To everyone that knows me and says to me "I don't know how you do it" and may be thinking my snapchats and instagram is things coming easily or naturally...trust me, I don't always have my shit together...at all.  At least I don't feel like I do. 

To be honest, I think it was hard for me to admit how scattered and flighty I felt or how "I let myself go", because I am normally super organized and could never see myself being anything but. 

Because I felt that, I thought I should say so on this platform. Why?

- Because I am likely not alone

- Because writing it is my way of accepting it and figuring out my balance

- Because I want us moms to feel it is safe and not fear judgement to admit whatever we are feeling and needing

- Because it is just a part of life and I am always learning amd rediscovering myself

- Because it is hard some days and it doesn't make me a bad mom to admit that.

So what am I going to do?

I am giving myself a break. 

No. I'm not taking a break...I am going easy on myself. I am going to follow my passion and continue to work on that. I am going to live in the moment as much as possible.I am not going to always worry about what isn't right and focus on what is awesome. I am going to acknowledge what I need to feel like me and ask for help so that I can take care of me if that is what I need in that very moment. 

I want my kids to see I am a trier. But also that I know who I am and happy.

So, I am here saying...

"I am a proud and happy momma. I love motherhood and its journey. I do not always have my crap together but that is ok. I have changed and am still changing. I'm not lost I am just ever evolving. I do not care if it's what expected of me because the only expectation I will follow is the one I set for myself to be happy."

So moms...give yourself a break. It is ok to change and it's ok to do whatever you feel and want and need. Just smile and know you will find your true self so long as you just give yourself a break...and just be. 

Now take a nap...because if you read all this, you are a tired momma that totally relates ;)

I Finally Decided to Breathe

When I became a mom, I fell so deep in love with this phase of my life that all else didn't matter. Not my relationships with others, not my career, not even my own self. The only thing that mattered was my connection with my child, my child's health (of course) and me being the best mom I could possibly be.

I would read about every recommendation and was on top of all the suggestions (both medical and familial). I was that new mom that rolled into each doctor's appointment with a note with a list of questions.

I was in charge of a rigurous schedule that worked well for my child (because I knew exactly how many hours of sleep they needed and when and why). I counted each hour, with each nap, each day, and if it fell below that minimum, I freaked.

I breastfed exclusively, and mastered every obstacle that came with that (because it was not easy at first for me). I watched the clock and timed every feed and every ounce I would have to leave behind, if I had to leave, and ensured I was back before that amount of ounce per hour saved was up. I took no chances.

Afterall, I was responsible for human life. Fricking HUGE responsibility right?

Yes...but what I failed to realize, what that you know what, I was a good mom regardless. I was a good mom for trying, but that didn't mean I had to be perfect.

Enter child #2. Wow. It's like she was my Ativan. She was the vapourizer, and my realization that I needed to breathe.

While, yes I still monitored her closely, she clusterfed. So, keeping track of how much was nearly impossible, and I didn't even bother to pump...I just took a wrap and her and out the door I went. I did mind her sleep, but I didnt agonize, because I knew she needed x amount and she was getting it, because I listened to her cues vs. A chart only. I didn't always have questions now, but that didn't mean I always had the answers either.

But that was alright.

When Rayna was born, I also had Caiden as  young dependent toddler. They were different in so many ways, that not one set of methods seemed to make sense anymore. I trusted myself, because I felt like a good mom. My babies loved me, and me asking for help, me taking breaks, and me sometimes going with the flow, didn't alter that.

Of course, I have my ways of parenting, and that works for me. But having two different personalities in my kids taught me that you have to do what works for you.

You can listen to a world of advice, but breathing and taking it in, and being true to yourself is key.

All new moms go through a learning curve and some paranoia. But it is perfectly ok. Once you got it...that's just it, you got it.

So breathe moms.

Because you are doing great, no matter how you are doing it.

Sigh.

What I Learned Series: Reflections on Many Moms

What a whirlwind of a week it has been. I feel so humbled, educated and a little overwhelmed.

Normally,  I am interviewing and writing about a mom that has some great insights to share at this time.  However, this month,  with the busyness that is my life right now,  I haven't been able to.  But it's a good thing.  I feel I need to share my learnings this month.

It has been all about moms.

I attended the Vancouver Mom Top Bloggers event.
What an amazing group of women to be a part of.  I was humbled and inspired to be amongst so many mothers,  each of whom find time and passion to write, run a business,  or be risk takers and explore. I met so many people who I hope to either collaborate with,  and grow friendships with.  Some have met through these networking events and formed business partnerships or great bonds.

I find it amazing,  moms do so much,  but it's so important to stay true to yourself and not lose your sense of self.  Be passionate, be driven, try out new things,  and be happy doing what you want to do.
 
Another amazing thing I learned from this event,  the nature of women to support one another.  Not one person was not smiling,  and so many open up about working together.  We are all trying to gain exposure one way or the other,  and each wants to promote not only themselves,  but the work other moms are doing to. 

It really showed me, as I embark on a new writing/consulting journey myself, that I can do this...to keep propeling, dreaming and don't look back. 
I learned that having my kids is my muse, but me writing and working is my self. 

A friend's mom passed away and I attended her celebration of life.
Such a sombre time for some close and dear friends of ours. We lost a mother, grandmother, aunt, friend, who was beyond words of a woman.  Her life was full of travels, determination,  philanthropy, passion and hospitality. 
I was so sad to hear that cancer ravaged her body, this woman who was one of the nicest most thought-provoking women I have ever met. The disease did its course and caused her to leave a beautiful family behind,  along with a legacy of wisdom. 

As I watched the sideshow of her life, heard her stories and listened to her friends, I thought, "wow, this woman lived. We are all alive but are we all living? April English truly lived". What an inspiration  and a kick to look in the direction of positivity and light...always.

I wanted to highlight a few key things I learned and felt from this celebration of life.

April had kept a diary through her whole life, I guess a blog for back then, and it chronicled her learnings as a mother. As extraordinary of a woman and leader she was, she was a mom first and foremost, and learned as she went. She didn't always have the answers but she read, she took advice and she tried her best. There was one entry she described discipline...it said to walk away if angry and be consistent and fair, that the kids are frustrated too because they are learning too.  Even while leaving, she leaves sound advice for any mom with toddlers...I needed that advice currently. I don't want to always be yelling, and the kids will be ok...in the long run.

I learned that life is beautiful and we can all make a difference. It is easy to get caught up in the stress and hardships, but there is always a rainbow...always. She was a single mother of twin boys, she raised those boys to men, had a plethora of traveled adventures all over the world, she worked hard and she started clubs and gave back to the community. How did she do all that? Patience and following her heart. She wanted to see the world,  so she did.  She wanted to have family time,  so she did. She wanted to discuss important issues and make a difference,  so she did. 
We all must, not forget we are all in control of our happiness and goals. There is nothing stopping us. No need to wait for things to come to you,  go out and get it. Happiness is not a destination,  it's  knowing who you are,  not shielding it and acting on it.

Lastly, love. With all that is wrong with the world,  love does conquer all. The love people have for this woman resonated so loudly.  So love...always, no matter what, even in times of hardship, still love.

I got in some quality time with both my mom and my mother in law.
It is rare, that I get to spend time with both moms. I often worry about both,  their health,  them not always putting themselves first, them stressing secretly about all of us, no matter how grown we get.  Then it hit me.  They are still moms.  They always will have this inate nature to mother us, care for us, even before themselves,  even if we don't need it. 

Both women came to Canada with little to no family, alone and meeting new people,  and went through tremendous hardships; ones I will not fathom or ever have to endure. But here they are, pushing their grandchildren in strollers, laughing,  making travel plans (that may or may not come to fruition), then having tea and watching crappy Indian soap operas. They had a great day. It was a simple day, but no housework, no stress, no taking care of anyone,  just being in the moment.  Moms, well my moms, have lived their whole life taking care of others that sometimes, it takes them a while to put themselves first. Often they need a push to do so. A simple day out is needed every now and then. For every mom, old or new, tired or not.

I take these "time-outs" for granted as they have always been available all my life, but as I am so attached to my babies, I see it is easy to put yourself on the back burner at times.  I learned to just make sure you do check in on yourself too. I am so lucky,  I have that option. And I remembered to treat my own moms too, because they deserve it.

So there you have it ladies, a lot of reflections. And, as always, a lot of learnings. 

Love. Live. Laugh.